I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
