Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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