She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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