I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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