i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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