i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
