There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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