I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
