Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
