i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
