Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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