i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
