I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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