I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
