babies were throwing up all over the place
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
