Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
