i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
