I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
