I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
