I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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