I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
