I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
