i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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