just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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