my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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