Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
