mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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