I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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