life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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