you traded sex for a burrito?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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