OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
