So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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