Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
