I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
