Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
