God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
