Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
