I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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