Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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