We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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