BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
