New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
