while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Found your dick twin last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
