You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
