I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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