I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
