he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
