I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
