When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
