Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
